when you live in a cookie cutter world…

…being different is a sin… so you don’t stand out, but you don’t fit in… weird… – Hanson, “Weird”

Emma and I got to talking about things that gross us out today. Interesting conversation, as you might imagine. Most people would call this phenomenon a “phobia,” but a true phobia is a debilitating fear. No matter how you look at it, none of the things that came up today fit under the correct definition.

The reason I say most people would call these phobias is because they’re a big deal. In my case…I’m unbelievably squeamish. Seriously, I have to look away from Grey’s Anatomy if they’re showing a surgery scene that’s too graphic. I watched the opening sequence of Saving Private Ryan exactly once, and that was enough, thankyouverymuch. I’m so easily grossed out by blood and guts… Actually, I used to think it was knives/razors/sharp objects. Turns out, that’s my mom’s thing – it’s what usually ends up happening as a result of those things that gets to me: the gore. (Interestingly enough, my mom doesn’t mind the bloody stuff so much, having worked her whole life in a medical field. And I’m not as freaked by the sharpies as she is. Weird.)

Emma’s not so concerned with blood, either. On the other hand, she can’t handle the mention (even the thought) of vomit, saliva, phlegm, or other bodily fluids that might possibly carry disease. I’ve seen her gag many a time when these things come up in any context, but I never realized she was seriously averse – I honestly always thought she was doing it for comedic reasons. Who knew?

All this led to me trying to find a “diagnosis” for her “thing.” (Cause I love how un-scientific it sounds to call it “Emma’s thing about fluids…”) I knew it wasn’t a phobia, but looked on phobia lists first anyway (as that’s somehow used as an umbrella term for things that people are bothered by or even just don’t like in general. Nope – there are ones that come close, like fear of “slime” (I’ll leave that one as ambiguous as I found it), fear of germs, fear of feces, fear of blood…no fear of (multiple) fluids. And to be clear, Em’s not a “germophobe,” either. She’s not the girl that carries Purell everywhere and obsessively washes her hands, insists on her own straw, etc. She’s normal. (Haha – normal from a psych major! Don’t tell!) So I suppose I can do one better and call her an…anomaly. She’s just Emma, and these things bother her.

Interestingly, this brought up a kind of a tangent for me. It’s something I’m absolutely terrified of, and yet somehow I forget about it for months or even years at a time. It’s not a phobia, because I could be in the same room with this object and be alright, I could probably even hold it in my hand and think clearly. But then again…I can get short of breath and/or tear up just thinking about it? I know, I know, you’re curious…I’m scared to death of golf tees. Yes, you read that right. Golf tees. It all started with a traumatic incident in childhood… The long and the short of it is I’m happy to have my hearing in both ears, but I refuse to golf with my dad.

All day, though, the “phobias”/individual idiosyncrasies kept coming back to mind. They’re so interesting…such random objects and/or occurrences are commonplace, even mundane to most of us. Yet to one particular person, for any given reason, they cause fear and anxiety. It’s fascinating to me. I’ve even heard that actual phobias can be the result of either something that happened to one’s mother during pregnancy or that happened to your grandmother while pregnant with your mom! How? I don’t know if this is true (I admit, I haven’t researched it, but I’m curious enough to, just as soon as the semester’s over), but I guess the idea is that mom’s neurodevelopment is linked to grandma’s emotions at just the right moment…it’s supposedly possible.

I heart psychology. I shared mine (and Emma’s)! What’s your weird “thing?”

isn’t it strange how we all feel a little bit weird sometimes?

oh, spare me if you please

sick, tired and homeless, with no one here to sing for… – The Cardigans, “Sick & Tired”

Moving sucks. Moving in the rain sucks even more. Moving in the rain while sick… is God mad at me? I’m not just a little under the weather, I’m runny-nose, stuffed-up, coughing, sinus headache, Nyquil commercial M-I-S-E-R-A-B-L-E. Boo. On the bright side, I got most of the big stuff moved (thanks to my brother for switching my Civic Hybrid for his big Dodge pickup all weekend) – bed, bookcases, dresser, TV, etc… still have a long way to go, though. I hate moving. The worst part is, this is likely to be a pretty temporary crashing place for me. I can’t wait to be financially stable enough to think about buying my own place (which is next to impossible as a student)!

Also, I hate missing school. I missed two days last week in order to run errands, pack, and actually move. And now I’m sick. So I’m missing at least one more to do the same, and rest. Awesome. It’s the fourth week of the semester, I have no right to be skipping! On the other hand (and this’ll sound like a cop-out, but I really follow this rule), I don’t believe in going out and interacting with people for long periods of time while I know I’m sick – and more importantly, contagious. I’ve heard it said that when your nose stops running, you’re no longer contagious. Here’s hoping I only have one more day. Did I mention I already have an exam this week? Thankfully, not till moving.

To sum up, I am, in fact, sick and tired of being sick and tired. (And again, to be fair…I haven’t been sick in more than a year & a half. I guess it was my turn.)

sick, tired and sleepless, with no one else to shine for… sick of all my distress, but I won’t show I’m still poor…

she rules until the end of time

with every breath and all the choices that we make, we are only passing through on her way… – Within Temptation, “Mother Earth”

Part three of three (for now) posts about how to make small changes in our daily lives to live greener, happier, healthier lives for each of us and the earth as well. Tonight: People Towels. My friend Jen & I share this crusade. For me, it started about a year ago, when I started UCB (the same time I first met Jen). In between psych classes, she pointed out a sticker stuck to a paper towel dispenser in a restroom on campus. They’re everywhere, I’ve since discovered. They say “these used to be trees!” and are just kind of a friendly, pro-active reminder. A lot of people write snarky comments on them about the fact that they’re paper stickers, but… I for one still think it’s a good reminder. Use with caution, right?

Jen did me one better. Rather than just remembering and being conscious, she decided to find the website (I think it’s actually printed on the sticker) that manufactures them and got us a ton to plaster everywhere, as had already been done on campus. Sweet! This week, though, she posted something on her Facebook that’s even better, and no trees were harmed in the making of such an earth-conscious product. In fact, they take pride in saying so. Check out the cute “this is not a tree” option – arguably my fave, but then again, I’m a sucker for a pretty daisy, too. Maybe I should get myself a little three pack so it’ll be easier to always have a clean one ready? I like the “change is at hand” on this one, too.

The cool thing about this is that it’s more efficient than paper towels or air hand dryers (which I personally don’t love). According to PeopleTowels.com, if you switch for a year, you save a quarter of a tree, reduce landfill waste by 23 pounds, and conserve 250 gallons of water. Wow! (I have to admit, I’m wondering if they’ve factored in the necessary water, energy, detergent, etc of laundering these…?)

Either way, the use of paper towels has a staggering impact on our environment. A few scary facts about paper towel consumption:

* To make one ton of paper towels, 17 trees and 20,000 gallons of water are polluted.
* Every day, over 3,000 tons of paper towel waste is produced in the US alone.
* Decomposing paper towels produce methane gas, a leading cause of global warming.
* The average person uses 2,400 – 3,000 paper towels at work, in a given year.

So, what are our other options? Even recycled paper towels still produce 100% greater impact, of course, than People Towels, since these are the kind we keep and maintain ourselves. Interestingly, the Japanese have been using this concept for decades – most public restroom facilities in Japan don’t stock paper towels – if you don’t have your own, you’re SOL.

New Year’s resolution to try to find small changes to make to live greener? Or just like the idea of having a 21st century “hanky” that’s cute and good for the environment? I think it’s cool. I’m getting mine soon!

a new beginning always starts at the end… once you will know, my dear, you dont have to fear …

call her green and the winters cannot fade her

just a little green, like the nights when the northern lights perform… there’ll be icicles and birthday clothes… – Joni Mitchell, “Little Green”

Today is day two (of three) of my eco-related posts. It doesn’t mean, of course, that I won’t ever do it again. It just means that I had three specific topics on my mind lately. If you missed yesterday, be sure to check out my one-woman anti-bottled-water crusade. Today, however, let’s talk about something a little less “lecture-y” and a lot more fun: Lush. Specifically, their line of amazing solid shampoos have had me raving about this company since August. (And I was already a fan!)

Let me back up a minute here. Lush was a store my cousin Talia and I always walked past on our way to and from our parking spot on Colorado in Pasadena (our favorite LA shopping haunt). We always meant to stop in, but were inevitably rushing to beat Lovely Rita to the car, and had to skip it. In August 2008, however, Delores and I spent the better part of the week in LA at Talia’s, and we finally stopped in Lush for the first time. As they say, the rest is history…it was love at first sniff, really. Such a great place, such cool products that are made fresh in small batches – we wanted to try everything! Fast forward to August of last year, when Layla and I were in Vancouver on holiday. Layla’s personal crusade is anti-palm oil. She’s a huge animal-lover, and she taught me to read labels and do my best to avoid it when possible. Basically, parts of the rainforest are being flat out bulldozed to make room for palm trees – as a result, not only is the rainforest itself being destroyed, but the orangutans that call it home are…well, homeless. Quite literally. I can’t really stand for that. Thankfully, Lush agrees. They decided to stop using it in their soaps, which makes Layla and I both happy. Read more about their position on it all here.

The Vancouver Lush excursion was the beginning of a lifelong relationship – between me and their glorious shampoos. I had read lots about this “solid shampoo” they sell, but I just kept telling myself, I’m just not that crunchy granola! I can’t get down with this! And yet…there I was, every time, sniffing them, curious. I decided I was on vacation, I was going to splurge and give it a shot. Hell, what’s the worst that could happen, right? So I don’t like it? I lose maybe ten bucks tops, and get over it. So I brought Seanik back to the hotel with us. All I can say is I’m slowly using up the liquid shampoos in my bathroom, and I see absolutely no reason to ever buy it again. This solid shampoo is brilliant! I guess I was thinking that it wouldn’t lather very well, that it wouldn’t have the necessary SLS to really get sudsy and amazing, which is what makes most of us feel like our hair is clean. (Burt’s Bees, for example, doesn’t use SLS in a lot of their shampoos…I think that’s great, but it’s not for me. It’s all too soon after washing with these kinds of products that my hair feels greasy. I personally just want a little more lather so the clean feeling lasts longer. Again, I’m a big believer that these are personal choices, and every little bit helps!)

Since then, Seanik has become my staple. It’s the one I keep coming back to – the seaweed really is quite softening, and the sea salt gives my hair an amazing beachy volume, especially if I let it airdry – that’s thanks in part to my wavy texture, I know, but this is a rare feat nonetheless. Plus, the smell is to die for. Of course, I wanted to check out the other varieties…Ultimate Shine was next, and while it lives up to its name, it’s a little boring for me in comparison. Definitely a good starter solid for anyone who’s not sure – I’ve given this one to my dad to check out. (He wasn’t skeptical, but wasn’t ready to buy his own just yet, either. He loved it.) Up next: Godiva. As gorgeous-smelling as it sounds, and there are actual chunks of cocoa and shea butters in it that kind of soften in the heat, which act as conditioners while still effectively cleaning your hair.

By November, I’d gotten Emma curious enough to try one, too. She used my Seanik while we were staying in Palo Alto for the big game, and when we stopped at Lush on the way home, she asked for a sample of Trichomania, their coconut-y solid that’s not a “puck” like the others. (A few of them, actually, are made more like their big slabs of soap, sold by weight rather than by piece.) She’s a fan – she used up the sample and went back for a real slice, and is still loving it. (Though I should be honest here and tell you that she’s not crazy about American Cream, the delicious smelling conditioner she bought to go with it – she uses it to perfume her hair when going out instead of relying on it to be much of a detangling, effective conditioner.)

My brother has always had issues with an itchy scalp. I raved about the bars to him, and eventually we convinced him to try one, and bought him Soak and Float. A lot of people are turned off by the smell (it literally smells like a campfire), but I’m pretty sure that anyone who’s had these issues is used to the tar-based products used to combat itchy scalp. I haven’t asked him what he thinks, but I’m sure he’s loving it…I believe in this product!

For Christmas, I got Jumping Juniper which is a lemony gin & tonic for my head. I love the smell, and it’s a shine-booster. I also got Irresistible Bliss, but haven’t had a chance to try it yet. At the end of the day, though, I believe I’ll love it too. The point is, there are a ton of options to choose from, so I’m confident everyone can find one they like. (For my money, I still think Seanik will always be the one for me!)

So, now that I’ve basically been a one-woman ad for Lush, why should you give these solid shampoos a try? Well, as far as the earth is concerned, you’re doing it a favor! The story is cool: back when Lush first started, they actually couldn’t afford bottles, so they thought that maybe they’d take a stand against packaging and preservatives and make the good stuff in solid form. And voila! The puck was born. According to Lush, the majority of liquid shampoos available on the market are mostly made up of water, surfactants and other chemicals, fragrance, preservatives and plastic bottle and a lid. That’s a whole lot of junk I don’t need! Also, the pucks are very concentrated. You can get between 80-100 washes from one bar, making it the equivalent of 2-3 6.75oz liquid shampoo bottles. So, for every solid shampoo bar Lush sells, they’re preventing about 2.65oz of plastic from being introduced into the environment. Good enough for me!!

Nope, I don’t make a commission. I just love this product, and I honestly believe everyone will. This is an easy switch to greener living, and I think you’ll like it as well (or better!) than what you’ve already been using. Come on, you know you wanna try it!! If you’re not ready to commit, ask your local Lush for a sample – they’re happy to oblige! (This goes for most, if not all products, not just the pucks with which I’m so smitten.)

just a little green, like the color when the spring is born… there’ll be crocuses to bring to school tomorrow…

we’ve got three Rs we’re gonna talk about today

if you’re going to the market to buy some juice, you’ve got to bring your own bags and you learn to reduce your waste… – Jack Johnson, “The Three Rs”

I’ve been wanting to indulge my tree-hugger side for days, but other topics have kept me from doing so. As such, I now have three things I want to talk about, all of them having to do with small ways we can make changes that are awesome and more eco-friendly. After all, it really is the small things we can each do in our daily lives that add up to big changes globally. I admit, these are not going to be new topics for some of you (certainly anyone that knows me), but one is even new to me, thanks to a fellow tree-huggin’ UCB psych major (thanks Jen)! I hope they’ll inspire you to consider the minor adjustments that can be made to your own life. Tonight, I’ll confine the post to plastic and water. The other topics will follow shortly, but it’s probably too much information for one day!

My biggest personal environmental crusade: the evil of plastic. Brace yourself, here come the scary stats…but please don’t skim over this part, this is why I boycott plastic whenever possible. First of all, there’s a land mass of garbage off the California coast…and it’s more than 2x the size of Texas!! And 90% of it is plastic! I know you probably already know about the horror of plastic bags. Either way, the harsh truth is, well, actually brutal:

*It takes 1000 years for a plastic bag to decompose.
*1,460 Plastic bags are used each year by an average U.S. family.
*12 million Barrels of oil are used to make the plastic bags each year for just U.S. consumption.
*Less than 1% of all plastic bags get recycled in the U.S.
*88.5 billion plastic bags were consumed in the U.S. last year alone.
*A million plastic bags are used every minute, worldwide, and the number is rising.
*Roughly 60–80% of all marine debris, and 90% of floating debris is plastic.
*Plastic resin polymers are so durable that it can take hundreds of years for plastics to break down at sea, and some may never truly biodegrade in the marine environment.
*Each year, the State of California spends approximately $25 million to landfill discarded plastic bags.
*The City of San Francisco alone, estimates dealing with plastic bag litter costs about 17 cents per bag, totaling $8.5 million annually.
*As the annual consumption in LA County is an estimated 6 billion plastic bags.
*Plastic bags (which resemble jellyfish or sponges) are mistaken for food or prey by seabirds, marine mammals, fish, and sea turtles.
*More then 1 million seabirds, 100,000 marine mammals, and countless fish die annually through ingestion of and entanglement in marine debris, including plastic bags.

Good enough reason to carry your own bags, isn’t it? Or at the very least, to insist on paper. But what about other kinds of plastics? Specifically, the kind we drink from. Bottled water is a freaking craze these days, so what’s a 21st century girl to do? First, I swore off it. I bought a couple Nalgene bottles to reuse. Then, of course, the scare over BPA in plastics. To be safe, I did some research and discovered (thanks in part to Jason Mraz’s recommendation) Sigg, which is what I’ve been using ever since. (Though I also own this awesome CamelBak insulated bottle that Jen recommended for its ability to keep my water cold all day.)

This leads me to the great water debate: bottled, or tap? (Read this for the details, if you aren’t yet convinced.) For me, bottled water is consumed in cases of emergency only. And even then, I go to pretty great lengths to find water that’s bottled in glass, rather than plastic. It used to be that you could find at least one of these options (Perrier, Pellegrino, Panna, Voss) in a typical convenience store. Lately, though, it’s gotten scary…these companies are starting to produce… you guessed it: plastic! WTF? This needs to stop. I don’t know where to begin to appeal to their sense of responsibility in preserving the environment. I will look into it, though admittedly probably not until after graduation. (It’s not that far away!) What I can do, though, is appeal to the management of the restaurant where I work to switch from Fiji (plastic) bottled water to a earth-friendlier option like Panna, which is the flat counterpart to the Pellegrino we already serve as a sparkling selection. (By the way, Fiji-lovers… did you know that a third of Fijians do not have access to clean drinking water? It’s true: read more here.) Even better, we’re doing away with plastic-bottled water altogether, and switching to an aerated tap system for flat water, and we’ll still carry Pellegrino for guests who prefer sparkling water. Excellent.

Listen, I get that a lot of people like the convenience of bottled water. It’s everywhere, and I think it’s ridiculous. But it’s a personal choice, and though it kills me, I have to respect the rights of others to choose to continue drinking it. People say, “I recycle!” I’m sorry, but it doesn’t matter. It’s simple economics: supply and demand, right? Even if you personally recycle every bottle after you’ve consumed the water, the fact is, most people don’t. More importantly, just by buying this product, you’re helping to continually demand the supply. This is why I boycott. Because even if one person recycles, it’s just not enough until the production of bottled water slows, or even stops.

So why do I insist on glass? As green guru Debra Lynn Dadd says, “Glass is made from sand, an abundant resource. It is melted down and formed into bottles. It is safe to drink from. The drawbacks are it is heavier to ship, and breaks. At the end of it’s useful life, it can be recycled, melted down, and reformed into a new product.”

I’ll do my best not to judge you if you continue to choose to drink the bottled stuff, but please, at least consider first to try to find the glass bottles at places like Whole Foods or other similar stores. They’re out there if you look. As they say, please, drink responsibly.

recycle, we’ve got to learn to recycle… we’ve got to learn to reduce, reuse, recycle… reduce, reuse, recycle…

i can finally see the sunset

and i wont go back, back to how it was… and i got my heart set on what happens next, i got my eyes wide its not over yet… we’re miracles, and were not alone… – Switchfoot, “This is Home”

I think I’ve scared away someone I potentially liked. How? you ask. By giving him the address to this very blog you’re currently reading. I honestly don’t know whether it’s my daily theme-less rambling, the silly excursions of T&T, or…God forbid… the fact that I’m a New Kids fan. But you know what? Maybe it’s because I have more than 20 years experience with guys’ reaction to that news, but that’s the only one I really think it could have been. Somehow after all these years, and finally coming to terms with it myself, it feels a sort of low blow for that to be a “deal-breaker.” Isn’t there enough about me that’s cool that that can be overlooked if somebody doesn’t “get” it? Maybe it’s a deal-breaker for me!

I suppose it could be said that he might just be busy. I hope so. (What would GB say?) In the last few years, I’ve made it abundantly clear to myself that I make no apologies about who I am – that part of my life is behind me. I used to be a mean girl, I left a trail of human shrapnel in my wake. And I made amends for it. Now I’m happy with who I am – this includes being an NK fan. The ideal reaction from a new person to this information would be a chuckle – not mean laughter. (I’ve had enough of that to last a lifetime.) I’d love to meet someone who’s just amused by this information and can put it in perspective with a bigger picture of who I am and then get over it. It’s not the one defining aspect of who I am. And if it’s something a guy can’t get over, I guess he’s doing me a favor by helping me weed him out early…

Speaking of life as a New Kids fan, this reunion isn’t over yet. Life is good to those of us who held out hope. Tomorrow I’ll be getting a ticket with four girlfriends to Las Vegas a week before graduation. I can’t wait. I’m also still really believing that there will be more to come this year, so I’m not going overboard. Another friend of mine just asked me to fly to NYC with her to see one of their two shows at Radio City Music Hall – tempting. Ultimately, I had to choose responsibility and turn her down. (Or is responsibility I’m opting for if I’m passing so I can see more shows closer to me on an upcoming show?)

Tuesdays are loooong days for me this semester. My last class gets out at 8:30, and then I have to walk to my car and drive all the way home – by that time, it’s usually 10. It was quite a consolation this evening to come home and spend a few minutes with my blue-eyed first love and his homies. Did anyone see them on Jimmy Fallon last night? Wow. It never gets old to see them back together, singing both new and old tunes… and every time I do, I light up. And that reminds me that I don’t care what anyone says or thinks about my loving the New Kids on the Block. If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a million times: I’m okay with it. I invite you to be as well.

Come on, admit it: this is fun to watch! Check it out:

…and if you really enjoy it, buy the Coming Home DVD!

and now, after all my searching, after all my questions… i’m going to call it home… i got a brand new mind set, i can finally see the sunset… i’m gonna call it home…

and you gave me nothin’ in return…

it was plain to see that a small town boy like me just wasn’t your cup of tea, i was wishful thinkin’… i gave you my heart, and i tried to make you happy… and you gave me nothin’ in return… you know it ain’t so hard to say, ‘would you please just go away?’ – “Sail On,” The Commodores

Sundays are one of my days off. I had planned to spend today getting stuff done around the house (laundry, cleaning, yoga/pilates, homework) and then pop some corn and bust out the bubbles for the Grammys. But that’s not exactly what I ended up doing with my evening. Yes, I got my place in order, and before sitting down to read, I was halfway through said yoga/pilates when my phone rang – Doc. Duty calls.

The minute I picked up the phone, I knew it was bad. Usually we make plans to have dinner or watch a game together, or both. It’s been nearly two months since his wife emailed him asking for a divorce. Let me say that again, since last time I got all this off my chest I wasn’t so clear: she emailed him that she wanted a divorce. Seriously, who does that? Especially after two and a half decades?! Wow. But since then, every single time I think, well, that’s the lowest she could possibly go, she proves me wrong. The woman is utterly despicable. I try so hard to stay positive, but when thinking about her, the only positive is that she’s gone.

And gone she is. Doc finally filed papers because he was tired of hanging in the balance. She wanted to file for legal separation and stay on his medical insurance. She also wanted to keep the house, even though she was the one who was asking for a divorce and wanted to “move on with her life,” whatever that might mean. Because Doc is a professional with a career to keep in mind, he was worried what would happen if he left the filing to her. Basically, he didn’t trust her not to bad-mouth him, and if he chose to be the one to file, she could boo-hoo to her friends, but not on a public document. So, “irreconcilable differences” it is. Problem (somewhat) solved.

Also, her grown children have been living with them off and on for some time. She has a married son in his late 20s who, along with wife and baby, spend a night or two a week at Doc’s house. She has another son in his mid-30s who’s been living with them, too, since he and his wife split a year ago. Recently, someone told Doc they’d all be out by February 1st. Tonight, when he called, he said he came home to an empty house. I wish he hadn’t meant it quite so literally. When I got there, there was a note saying (among other things), that California is a “50/50 state” and she had taken pictures, and she was “taking the high road,” and would appreciate it if he’d do the same. (I think if she’s on any high road, she missed the exit she needed – Crazy Street. Or else maybe she’s been smoking with her boys? I don’t know, but I don’t get how she thinks she’s taking the high road. I honestly think that she only knows it to be something the people on TV say.)

When he called me and said he’d come home to “no furniture,” I admit I thought he was exaggerating. And then I walked in the door. Other than her ridiculous note and a ton of trash, there wasn’t much left. A random loveseat and matching couch, one (of a set of two) chair, and a few end tables and lamps. Everything in his bedroom was still where he’d left it, but probably only because they’ve been living in separate bedrooms – hers is empty. The place is a mess. I just can’t believe how quickly this all came down. It’s horrifying, and I hate to see a man so dear to me go through this. I don’t think I have ever seen him cry before tonight, and a girl should never have to hold a father figure while he weeps. I’m happy to be able to be here for him, but I hope I never see this woman again in my life. I just can’t believe what she is capable of.

There are bright sides, of course. Doc and I both think that she’s off somewhere having a glass and a giggle at sticking it to him, but… she said it herself: California’s a 50/50 state. You took all the furniture. He’s going to have to replace it, and now he can buy anything he fancies. But when it comes time for the judge to formally divide their assets, does she not realize she’s going to owe him for half of all that stuff she took? It’s fine that she just decided what’s hers was hers, but it’s not coming for free. Also, now Doc can have the house scrubbed top to bottom and not worry anymore about anyone trashing it. He can have a house he’s really proud of, and increase its value. We both think she thinks the judge will give her the house in the settlement and she can move her children back in. This might be true, but she’s going to have to come up with his half of what it’s worth…and she doesn’t have it (on the other hand, he could buy her out if it came to that).

Who knows what’ll happen. I hope they find a way to end this as swiftly as possible, so he can just move on with his life. Every day he’s away from her promises to be a good one, and he knows it. Problem is, he’s been in this relationship all these years thinking they were pretty happy. He beats himself up for being sad that he’s lost her. I understand that, but it’s natural he would feel that way. Thankfully, the way she’s treated him in all of this has made it increasingly easy for him to allow himself the temporary anger to deal with the hurt. When I left him this evening, he was already (albeit briefly, I’m sure) in a state of excitement about the possibilities to come in his life.

The Grammys await me via my DVR. If there’s anything worth writing about, it’ll come tomorrow…obviously, some things are just more important.

time after time i tried to hold on to what we got, but now you’re goin’… and i don’t mind about the things you’re gonna say, lord… i know it’s a shame, but i’m givin’ you back your name… guess i’ll be on my way… i won’t be back to say…

music is my imaginary friend…

from all the drugs, the one i like more is music… from all the junks, the one i need more is music… from all the boys, the one i take home is music… from all the ladies, the one i kiss is music… – CSS, “Music is My Hot Hot Sex”

Shakespeare said (by way of Twelfth Night), “if music be the food of love, play on.” Personally, I think music either just plain is love, or at least it’s the food of the soul, not just love. Maybe that’s me. CSS says it pretty well, too.

I’ve been listening to some really great stuff lately. I thought it was high time I shared. Jay Nash is someone I’m still pretty new to. Layla and I both think he’s a little reminiscent of Joe Cocker, which is meant to be complimentary. Where Jay has really got my ears perked up, though, is on the TFDI EP. I don’t really know the story of how this came to be, but Tony Lucca, Matt Duke, and Jay spent some time touring together last summer. Apparently, they had such a good time, they decided to record a 4-song EP together. The concept is pretty simple: one song from each catalog, plus “The Weight,” originally done by The Band. Their harmonies are fantastic…”Pretty Things” has become one of my most favorite Lucca songs, even though I thought it was a Joe Firstman song. But this version puts all the others I’ve heard to shame. Same goes for Matt’s song, “Sex and Reruns.” Four songs, four bucks…look into it. These are some gorgeous tunes.

Speaking of Matt, if you haven’t heard of him, he’s one to check out. He’s a pretty diminutive thing, so you’d never expect this big ol’ amazing voice to come out of him…it was surreal. I always find myself listening to him for days at a time…he’s just good enough that you want to let his music play over and overDogg. He’s awesome. I’m ready for him to head back out West.

Same goes for Tony. I’m not actually sure how many years I’ve known him, but we started out as “a friend of a friend” to each other and have become friends in our own right over time. He’s one of the coolest dudes I know, but what a voice. He can play a mean piano as well as guitar, and I’m still reeling over the last time I saw him. He said that Jay and Matt were “singing their faces off,” which was exactly what I thought he’d done. I’ve seen him many, many times in the past few years. But the last time I saw him was the best yet…unbelievable. He’ll be in SF in less than a month!

As a matter of fact, he’ll be playing with Keaton Simons, a good friend who’s so talented I don’t know how it’s even possible. In addition to having played guitar for Snoop Dogg on tour, he’s got an incredible voice and is a great lyricist, too. Hell, he’s a great musician all around – if I’m not mistaken, he has a MFA in ethno-musicology. (But Key, if that’s wrong, correct me?) He’s crazy smart about music, and I’m not. Basically, I just sort of bask in his glow and enjoy it. (And his sense of humor is wicked…check out his awesome cover of Single Ladies on iTunes, for example.) There’s a new record in the works. I can’t wait for this one!

I’m just starting to get into Kings of Leon, but Only by the Night is awesome. I’m really hooked on this guy’s voice!! I’m a sucker for a sexy, raspy sound, and he’s got it in spades. They write decent lyrics, too, and the overall sound of the band is one I gravitate to. (If anyone knows if the rest of their albums are as good, let me know?)

Somebody recently recommended 30 Seconds to Mars. I only knew that it was Jared Leto’s band, and that wasn’t interesting enough to me to look into them until the vehemence of this recommendation. I’m glad I followed that instinct, because This is War is a great record. I don’t know many bands that do such a well-themed album like this, but…first, I didn’t know Mr. Leto could sing. He’s got a pretty good voice. (One complaint, and it’s silly but it drives me nuts – there’s a song called “Night of the Hunter,” and there are a few minor spoken parts in French. A woman’s voice counts “un, deux, trois, cinq…” What?!? Why are you counting one, two, three, five? Like I said, trivial.)

Alright, I admit it. I was pretty damn late jumping on the Ray LaMontagne bandwagon. But, I like to be fashionably late. And I never do things just because they’re “hot,” I like to wait until I’m sure they’re right for me. It was “Let it Be Me” that sold me on Ray. He has a lot of tunes I like, but that’s my favorite. Gorgeous. And now I’ve learned quickly – a rainy day is nothing without Ray. It’s just not the same.

Paolo Nutini is another one I’ve been meaning to download for quite some time. I dug “New Shoes,” and “Last Request” is haunting, in a good way. I finally got caught up with his two albums, but no one told me he was 23! Wow…he’s so young, and kind of a pretty boy. Sometimes he sounds like he’s in his 60s. I don’t necessarily mean that in a bad way, I’m just impressed. He’s got a lot going on in his voice, and it’s all good! A friend of mine said that she thought “Loving You” was the “Let’s Get it On” of our generation. Now I think she might be right.

There you have it. This is what I’ve been listening to lately…enjoy, and please feel free to report back if you found something you loved (or even hated). ‘Night!

music is my beach house, music is my hometown… music is my king-sized bed, music is where i meet my friends… music is my hot hot bath, music is my hot hot sex… music is my back rub, my music is where i’d like you to touch…

some break the rules and some don’t play fair

watch out for games that these females play… some break the rules and some don’t play fair… you might get caught out there if you’re not aware… – Big L, “Games Females Play”

Okay, I admit I didn’t know this song. I have never heard of “Big L.” I had to Google a bit to find an applicable song from which to quote for tonight’s post. I spent the day with Layla today, and was telling her about the misadventures of online dating. This all being so new to me, there isn’t much that’s juicy to fill her in on. But then again, there are lots of funny things to laugh with her over that no one else will appreciate in quite the same way the two of us do.

I’d bury myself if I gave a bunch of examples, but I will say that the number of times I’ve seen “could of,” “would of,” and “should of” is just shameful. And don’t even get me started on the overuse of apostrophe’s!! I’m not making judgments about these guys themselves…these are just grammatical pet peeves (these two in particular, that is) and I can’t believe how many allegedly educated men are guilty of them!

But that’s not the worst of it. For some reason, it’s become completely acceptable – nay, trendy, even – to use the word “female” when referring to a woman. Why?! It gets under my feminist skin! Okay, maybe I’m being overly sensitive here, but… I have never heard a woman call a guy a “male” – we just don’t do that. It’s not something that’s culturally accepted. Moreover, most of us know better than to use the word “boy” in their presence, unless it’s very well-placed and/or well-timed. You can say “dude,” “guy,” or “man,” but “male“? Nope. We don’t do that.

True, we are the female of the species. It’s not that the word’s inaccurate. It’s that it feels derogatory. I’ll even go a step further and say that I don’t think this was ever really intentional, but I’m all for thinking through one’s actions beforehand. How did this become culturally valid? Is it becoming increasingly difficult to get away with “bitches”? So let’s use the next best thing, a bit of a step down but still a correlation between women and animals? If you’ll allow me to stereotype just a bit, I’ll admit I used to just hear this term in hip-hop circles, but… it’s spreading with an alarming frequency. Hell, I’ve even heard other women use it… but then again, that’s almost always in the context of “I don’t get along with other females,” and that’s probably the point. It’s okay to denigrate the “fairer sex” if you don’t even like them yourself, regardless of whether or not you biologically are one.

There has to be a bright side to this, right? I can spot two. One, these guys are easy to weed out. I don’t care if you call me “girl,” “chick,” “lady,” “woman…” Even “bitch” does apply on occasion (although really, I think I’m the only one who should be able to call myself that). But talk about “females” and my brain shuts off. Next! And two, it could be worse – they could be talking about female’s, right?

the type of female the fellas stress… stay fresh to death, well dressed… in chanel, guess, nothing less… body got more curves than an ’s’…

don’t forget and don’t be late…

don’t forget our monday date… that you promised me last tuesday… – Louis Armstrong, “My Monday Date”

It should surprise no one that yet another blog post is devoted to the works of Greg Behrendt. See, it all started with that “he’s just not that into you” episode of Sex and the City. As I think everyone knows, that episode begat the book which begat the movie. I hadn’t gotten around to reading the book, so I decided to buy it as an audiobook and listen to it on my commute to & from school last year. I didn’t know at the time that it was GB narrating his own book. I didn’t realize it until later, but the fact that it was actually Greg reading the material and not some random actor has a lot to do with the way I responded to the material. I say this because Greg’s got his own brand of tough love that I completely relate to – he doesn’t pull any punches, but it comes from a place of compassion, from wanting the best for others. (If you know me, this might start to sound a little familiar.) I have heard of people thinking Greg’s “he’s just not that into you” philosophy is a little harsh, but being able to listen to Greg’s tone of voice made it clear that he wasn’t speaking from a place of being a blunt prick. He genuinely doesn’t want to see people “wasting the pretty,” as he calls it. He wants people to be happy with people that actually give a shit about them. I love it. It simplifies. It’s liberating. I was grateful. And I was hooked.

Since then, I’ve had the chance to see him live a few times & chat with him a little. I now own both of his DVDs and all of his books – which leads me to the topic at hand. I just finished It’s Just a Date, which was co-written with Amiira, GB’s wife. The premise is pretty simple: relationships not working? Do it right – do it old school. They argue (again, if you know me, this is gonna sound eerily familiar) that the reason people are unhappy/settle/break up is because we rush into something without really getting to know a person beforehand. The concept of “dating” today means something entirely different than it did 50 (or even 20) years ago.

According to Greg & Amiira, this is because we’ve confused everything by casual sex and “hanging out.” They make it pretty clear that they’re all about sex, but that they believe things should happen in a natural order, a specific progression, if you’re seriously looking for someone with whom you might consider spending any real length of time (the rest of your life or otherwise). So what does dating really mean? Truth be told, this book reads like The Rules for the 21st century! (I mean that as a compliment.)

The first half of the book basically breaks down what isn’t working in our current “system” of ideals. Why “hanging out” is ambiguous, why it’s okay to be up front and specific that you’re the kind of girl that goes on dates but doesn’t just hang out. The idea of this section of the book is to just get you to admit that what you’ve been doing has gotten you nowhere, and maybe open you up to their idea. And honestly, it makes a lot of sense. (But then again…I usually buy what Greg’s selling.)

The second half gets even more interesting…it’s something of a step-by-step process of what dates should look like, from how to attract them, how to behave on them, how to get a second, what not to do on the first date (for example: they do want you to kiss on a first date; they don’t recommend sex until you’re both ready), etc, etc. I just stopped myself from typing the words “it’s really all common sense, but…” – see, unfortunately, common sense has stopped being so common. I hate to say that, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Still, what Greg and Amiira are proposing makes sense. In fact, she uses their own relationship as an example: “So we dated, the old-fashioned way. He called ahead, asked me out, plans were made, and we went on dates. We also dated other people while dating each other. There was no hopping in the sack, no racing to lock it down, no panic about what the other was thinking, feeling, doing. Then one day he said something mind-blowing, ‘I’m not going to date other people. I only want to go out with you but I don’t expect you to do the same until you’re ready to.’ What?! Who the hell is this guy who is going to stop dating other people but not demand I do the same? So we continued dating and soon after I came to the same conclusion that he had… I didn’t want to date other people. So there we were as boyfriend and girlfriend because we both truly wanted to be that and had figured it out at our own pace. Revolutionary! Then shortly thereafter he says those three magic words followed by the even more magical words that I had never heard before, ‘I Love You. But you don’t have to say it back. You don’t have to be at the same place emotionally that I am but I know that I love you and I wanted you to know it.’ Holy crap!! Are you kidding me? Where did this alien creature come from that is so comfortable with his own feelings that he can allow me to have my own feelings?” Okay, I can’t quote the entire book. You get the idea.

It does feel simultaneously archaic and yet, as Amiira said, revolutionary. Okay, it’s not like any of this is all that new to me…I had basically come to this decision on my own, but it’s nice to read an entire book cheering me on. And, well, it worked for them. They’ve been happily married for 13 years, and I don’t know much about Amiira except that she’s held GB’s attention, and well…he’s downright fantastic. (Why else would I refer to the guy as my guru?)

I don’t have anything else to say except to encourage anyone else that might be ready for a change in the way s/he is dating. Give the book a shot or at least give the concept some thought. I for one kind of love the idea of making it clear what is and what isn’t a date. It eliminates all the guesswork. (And if you’ll forgive me for saying this…hooray for boundaries, too!) I’m all about getting to know lots of people as people, potential friends, whatever else they may become, and letting it grow organically. And yes, the idea of going on a real “old-fashioned” date even seems a little scary. Nervous butterflies scary. So? Is that such a bad thing? I think we’re fooling ourselves…I think that that stuff is half the fun, and we’re missing it. And you know what? They’re right. If it doesn’t go so well, or if (god forbid) you don’t hear back from the person you went out with or get asked for another date, what next? Go on another one. And another one. And another one! After all… “it’s just a f****ing date!!!”

i’m gonna shine my shoes, steam my tie… step right, baby, cause you’re straight in my eyes…